the rufus situation

hello guardians

we need to sit in a virtual circle to contemplate this together. the time is past for laying responsibility elsewhere. no other is capable except us. a cruel and sad inheritance with a blood price. the burden is now ours. how we proceed will impact the future of the monastery on multiple levels, effect human relationships and the life and death of innocents/ce.

i'm going to start by attaching excerpts of email correspondence between jess & myself. today after much delay due to complicated socio-political issues, after agreement with me, jess rang the maremma rescue group in NSW.

this is what has transpired since:

-------------------------------------

Jessica
10:34 AM (4 hours ago)
to me

Ok so I just called Andrea the marama reskue women, she can't take on rufouse she said she would not be able to rehome him, she was a reasonable woman we had a long talk and he is a liability if he could bight people, she said the cheapest option is to take him to the pound, and the right thing to do would b take him to the vet and put him down that way we r not responsible for him bighting anyone elce (if rehomed) she said this trate won't ever leave him now and he can't b on rural land with live stock and he can't b in town with people where elce can he go
What r ur thoughts feelings on this

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<victoria>
11:06 AM (3 hours ago)
to Jessica

I thought it might be the case. But hoped I was wrong. Seems this is happening a lot ATM. How absolutely devastating. The real cost of negligence.

This is terrible news. But at least we know where we stand.

----


victoria
11:07 AM (3 hours ago)
to Jessica

Give me the day to allow this to sink in. And to consider our options.

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victoria
11:09 AM (3 hours ago)
to Jessica

The pound is just a slightly delayed death sentence. He will either die there, be picked up by someone and eventually bite them or another, or be turned into a fighting dog.

The pound is not an option. It's just a lazy option c.

----

Jessica
11:58 AM (2 hours ago)
to me

It's a really hard and sad decision
We all need each other through this one
I hope ur day is ok and the sun keeps u worm
I am about to go cut wood with mick

----

victoria
12:48 PM (1 hour ago)
to Jessica

Let's make this topic the first one on the forum. Us three monastery guardians must sit in a circle to contemplate what happens next.

Rufus is now the monastery issue as Hugh has not ever been able to demonstrate responsibility. The consequences of which we and Rufus now face. A cruel inheritance.

As hard as it may seem I think that Hugh has lost the right to have input on this decision. Which he will resent us for forever. It is so much easier to blame others than own tour own mistakes. But we see the situation for what it is. This is in no way personally influenced by my relationship issues with him. It is an objective assessment of the events thus far.

The blood of Rufus and/or any future attacks (animal or human) is in our hands and on our head. And also the harmony of the monastery as a whole. It is not to be considered lightly, that's for sure.

Try to have a good day. I know your heart is heavy too.

Peace sister.

X

think i'll fly home earlier than planned. aiming for the 18th. probably to canberra.

the sooner this grisly affair is laid to rest the better, so we can begin healing and move on.

after much meditation and excruciating soul searching i think a long sleep is the best option. a better end than what past and future foes will experience.

this whole lesson has been most grevious.

does everyone else agree or have other com, ments/ideas...

if this act is to proceed let us couch it in humility, love and ritual. let the three of us be together. from beginning to end. and bid this lovely innocent farewell into the next realm.

i suggest a lovely day before the vet, then a burial ceremony, making a stone cairn pile on the plateau [lest we forget] and togetherness afterwards. bunk, what is your work schedule like? there is a new moon on the 25th. i wonder if we should wait for it. it's a monday.

and maybe we should plant a tree as well.

Why Is the Funeral Ritual Important?

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

"When words are inadequate, have a ritual."
Anonymous

Rituals are symbolic activities that help us, together with our families and friends, express our deepest thoughts and feelings about life's most important events. Baptism celebrates the birth of a child and that child's acceptance into the church family. Birthday parties honor the passing of another year in the life of someone we love. Weddings publicly affirm the private love shared by two people.

The funeral ritual, too, is a public, traditional and symbolic means of expressing our beliefs, thoughts and feelings about the death of someone loved. Rich in history and rife with symbolism, the funeral ceremony helps us acknowledge the reality of the death, gives testimony to the life of the deceased, encourages the expression of grief in a way consistent with the culture's values, provides support to mourners, allows for the embracing of faith and beliefs about life and death, and offers continuity and hope for the living.

Unfortunately, our mourning-avoiding culture has to a large extent forgotten these crucial purposes of the meaningful funeral. As a death educator and grief counselor, I am deeply concerned that individuals, families and ultimately society as a whole will suffer if we do not reinvest ourselves in the funeral ritual. This article explores the grief-healing benefits of meaningful funerals-benefits we are losing to the deritualization trend.

I have discovered that a helpful way to teach about the purposes of authentic funeral ceremonies is to frame them up in the context of the "reconciliation needs of mourning"-my twist on what other author's have called the "tasks of mourning." The reconciliation needs of mourning are the six needs that I believe to be the most central to healing in grief. In other words, bereaved people who have these needs met, through their own grief work and through the love and compassion of those around them, are most often able to reconcile their grief and go on to find continued meaning in life and living.

How the authentic funeral helps meet the six reconciliation needs of mourning:
Mourning Need #1. Acknowledge the reality of the death.

When someone loved dies, we must openly acknowledge the reality and the finality of the death if we are to move forward with our grief. Typically, we embrace this reality in two phases. First we acknowledge the death with our minds; we are told that someone we loved has died and, intellectually at least, we understand the fact of the death. Over the course of the following days and weeks, and with the gentle understanding of those around us, we begin to acknowledge the reality of the death in our hearts.

Meaningful funeral ceremonies can serve as wonderful points of departure for "head understanding" of the death. Intellectually, funerals teach us that someone we loved is now dead, even though up until the funeral we may have denied this fact. When we contact the funeral home, set a time for the service, plan the ceremony, view the body, perhaps even choose clothing and jewelry for the body, we cannot avoid acknowledging that the person has died. When we see the casket being lowered into the ground, we are witness to death's finality.
Mourning Need #2. Move toward the pain of the loss.

As our acknowledgment of the death progresses from what I call "head understanding" to "heart understanding," we begin to embrace the pain of the loss-another need the bereaved must have met if they are to heal. Healthy grief means expressing our painful thoughts and feelings, and healthy funeral ceremonies allow us to do just that.

People tend to cry, even sob and wail, at funerals because funerals force us to concentrate on the fact of the death and our feelings, often excruciatingly painful, about that death. For at least an hour or two-longer for mourners who plan the ceremony or attend the visitation-those attending the funeral are not able to intellectualize or distance themselves from the pain of their grief. To their credit, funerals also provide us with an accepted venue for our painful feelings. They are perhaps the only time and place, in fact, during which we as a society condone such openly outward expression of our sadness.
Mourning Need #3. Remember the person who died.

To heal in grief, we must shift our relationship with the person who died from one of physical presence to one of memory. The authentic funeral encourages us to begin this shift, for it provides a natural time and place for us to think about the moments we shared-good and bad-with the person who died. Like no other time before or after the death, the funeral invites us to focus on our past relationship with that one, single person and to share those memories with others.

At traditional funerals, the eulogy attempts to highlight the major events in the life of the deceased and the characteristics that he or she most prominently displayed. This is helpful to mourners, for it tends to prompt more intimate, individualized memories. Later, after the ceremony itself, many mourners will informally share memories of the person who died. This, too, is meaningful. Throughout our grief journeys, the more we are able "tell the story"-of the death itself, of our memories of the person who died-the more likely we will be to reconcile our grief. Moreover, the sharing of memories at the funeral affirms the worth we have placed on the person who died, legitimizing our pain. Often, too, the memories others choose to share with us at the funeral are memories that we have not heard before. This teaches us about the dead person's life apart from ours and allows us glimpses into that life that we may cherish forever.
Mourning Need #4. Develop a new self-identity.

Another primary reconciliation need of mourning is the development of a new self-identity. We are all social beings whose lives are given meaning in relation to the lives of those around us. I am not just Alan Wolfelt, but a son, a brother, a husband, a father, a friend. When someone close to me dies, my self-identity as defined in those ways changes.

The funeral helps us begin this difficult process of developing a new self-identity because it provides a social venue for public acknowledgment of our new roles. If you are a parent of a child and that child dies, the funeral marks the beginning of your life as a former parent (in the physical sense; you will always have that relationship through memory). Others attending the funeral are in effect saying, "We acknowledge your changed identity and we want you to know we still care about you." On the other hand, in situations where there is no funeral, the social group does not know how to relate to the person whose identity has changed and often that person is socially abandoned. In addition, having supportive friends and family around us at the time of the funeral helps us realize we literally still exist. This self-identity issue is illustrated by a comment the bereaved often make: "When he died, I felt like a part of me died, too."
Mourning Need #5. Search for meaning.

When someone loved dies, we naturally question the meaning of life and death. Why did this person die? Why now? Why this way? Why does it have to hurt so much? What happens after death? To heal in grief, we must explore these types of questions if we are to become reconciled to our grief. In fact, we must first ask these "why" questions to decide why we should go on living before we can ask ourselves how we will go on living. This does not mean we must find definitive answers, only that we need the opportunity to think (and feel) things through.

On a more fundamental level, the funeral reinforces one central fact of our existence: we will die. Like living, dying is a natural and unavoidable process. (We North Americans tend not to acknowledge this.) Thus the funeral helps us search for meaning in the life and death of the person who died as well as in our own lives and impending deaths. Each funeral we attend serves as a sort of dress rehearsal for our own.

Funerals are a way in which we as individuals and as a community convey our beliefs and values about life and death. The very fact of a funeral demonstrates that death is important to us. For the living to go on living as fully and as healthily as possible, this is as it should be.
Mourning Need #6. Receive ongoing support from others.

As we have said, funerals are a public means of expressing our beliefs and feelings about the death of someone loved. In fact, funerals are the public venue for offering support to others and being supported in grief, both at the time of the funeral and into the future. Funerals make a social statement that says, "Come support me." Whether they realize it or not, those who choose not to have a funeral are saying, "Don't come support me."

Funerals let us physically demonstrate our support, too. Sadly, ours is not a demonstrative society, but at funerals we are "allowed" to embrace, to touch, to comfort. Again, words are inadequate so we nonverbally demonstrate our support. This physical show of support is one of the most important healing aspects of meaningful funeral ceremonies.

Finally, and most simply, funerals serve as the central gathering place for mourners. When we care about someone who died or his family members, we attend the funeral if at all possible. Our physical presence is our most important show of support for the living. By attending the funeral we let everyone else there know that they are not alone in their grief.

are we really going to murder our friend? OMG.

Well to be honest if we were farmers and had a dog like Ruffus, he wound have been shot in the head by now. It's all really sad. I think we have to take responsibility for this situation. It's not nice but i think he's going to have to be put down. That or we live in fear of him attacking another person.

hard times and suffering is what shapes us. I feel we should deal with the horribleness of the situation so we can put it behind us and move on. Of course i don't feel good about this bu there is little choice.

I'm assuming no one knows Hugh's stance on it, but i'm assuming he'll continue his lack of any responsibility for the situation.

I'm away this weekend in Adelaide. I'll be back the weekend after to help deal with things.

Sad times. let this stand as a reminder of what happens when we allow people not to play fair. When we don't take responsibility or when we act selfishly.

Let the healing process begin.

C